Grief sucks

I am writing this on Friday, March 21st, 2025. Tommie died on Monday, March 17th, 2025. He was in his early twenties and his death was a result of a bad night gone fatally wrong. A terrible car accident.

His passing has brought about immense grief for my core family unit. He was the nephew of my best friend who happens to also be my sister in law. He was also a cousin, brother to my children and my other nieces and nephews.

My sister in law and I intentionally bonded the children together since birth so this feels like a fissure. Through decades of annual summer beach vacations in the outer banks, camping trips, spring break museum trips, weekend barbecues, fireworks on the 4th of July, holidays, and childhood birthday parties. We made a little clan. Children who are now well into adulthood with many childhood memories with their cousins.

Watching all of them grapple with the untimely death of a loved one in their cohort of cousins/siblings is heartbreaking.

On Monday evening, I walked through the grocery store absentmindedly trying to figure out quick meal ideas to bring to them so they can grieve without cooking.

I went to sit with my sister in law and brother in law, offering presence and food.

I called all my nieces and nephews individually to see how they were faring. I listened to their cracking voices, muffled cries. Some of them alone and far away from family in their college rooms and military barracks.

I thought about how grief sucks. How it feels like a perpetual heartbreak. The finality of death. A family reshaped instantly. The surprise element of it all. How a random Monday, St. Patrick’s Day can suddenly break your heart. How a few days shy of the spring equinox can feel like winter all over again despite the daffodils blooming.

I thought about the last time I saw him, about a month ago. He was preparing for his baby shower party and I had stopped by with gifts for the baby and helped my sister in law decorate the space. I recall not feeling great so I didn’t stay for the shower. I went home instead to veg on the couch. I don’t regret it but it is a reminder that being intentional about your time with loved ones is important as you just don’t know the last memory you will make with them.

I remember leaving the baby shower wondering if his feelings were hurt that I didn’t stay. Now I wrestle with that. I am afraid to ask my sister in law if he said anything about me not staying for the shower. I don’t want to know the answer. I’ve learned my lesson. Always choose gifting people your presence.

I don’t know how to end this. There’s no conclusion, only that a dark cloud has descended upon us and it sucks.